I just read a painful writing from a parent whose child died by a medical proceedure that went wrong. She was asking how do you let go of the anger and injustice for the wrongful death and move toward a higher vibration to feel and connect with your child. Her pain and suffering is just and is what many of us has had to wrestle with. To lose a child is backwards and out of order just by the fact that they died before us; but the details in some stories leave much to question and much to wrestle with. After reading her words, I felt the answer to “My How?” surface strongly and quite softly:
How, you ask, do you push through the angst and heaviness of such a loss? You begin where you are right now. You express your feelings to those who can hold space for you. You rage the injustice of it all. You go to places that are dark, scary and confusing – you research, write, rant, cry, isolate, integrate and question the very being of all things until you are blue in the face. You watch time go by slowly and at lightening speed – and wonder why you are being dragged and left behind at the same time. You wonder what makes you get up and even brush your teeth in the morning – and the only answer you can come up with is, because you can.
You get to the place that there’s nothing left to feel or say and you exhaust yourself from the anger, the bitterness, the rage and unfairness of it all. You start where you are….and you notice in one moment that will happen in another tomorrow, that you are being guided to a calmer, more peaceful place to softly cry, mourn your loss and feel your child’s presence in that calm and softness. You begin to replace the rage and anger with what matters more – the connection you have with this beautiful child you gave love to. How is a question that has no measure of time. It is a meaure of choice and this choice has a time and a purpose all its own. My child died once, yet I have let myself feel that moment thousands upon thousands of times. How do you move from the anger, rage and injustice? By starting where you are, leaning toward those who have found their way through their own story and believing more in the connection of your child than in the details of their death. Balance and choice…..both will serve you. My son’s absence is a mindset. So is his presence. It is in that presence that I have been able to choose to let the anger, rage and unfairness go. Life has supported me on this journey – always has.